Church Grumblings: I'm Not Being Fed

Yesterday I read Jonathan Acuff's book of satire called Stuff Christians Like. You can download it for free this month at Christian Audio. I was listening to it while running yesterday and a few times I almost fell over from laughing so hard. I must have been quite a site - a very happy runner, indeed.

SCL is a book that makes fun of things we say and do as Christians that are well - quite foolish, sometimes hypocritical, and normally "just what we do." He is writing satire so you need to understand that he is using humor to make a point. I thought you would be challenged to read this one on church grumblers (not gamblers) - he says that their favorite line is "I am just not getting fed."

COMPLAINING ABOUT NOT BEING “FED” AT CHURCH

If you want to become a professional church grumbler, not just some amateur occasionally throwing rocks at the worship service, minister, or other attributes of the church, there’s one key phrase you need to know:

“I’m not being fed.”

This simple complaint—the teaching is lacking, the sermons are thin, the worship music is not uplifting enough, or a million other things that people find inadequate—is the official complaint of church grumblers the world over. If we could figure out a way to monetize it, we could permanently end world poverty. Forget cold fusion; if we could generate energy every time someone says this phrase, we’d be able to break our dependence on foreign oil in about four minutes.

It’s such a perfect thing to say because it deflects any attention away from me, while at the same time creating false humility and making me seem spiritually mature and advanced. “It’s not you, it’s me. I just want to learn. I’m admitting that I am incomplete. I’m hungry for deep, real spiritual teaching. I’m humbly confessing that I’m not getting enough out of church. Please help me get the rich faith-building experiences that i so desperately need.”

Just be careful who you say this to. Pastors are starting to get wily. When people tell my friend, “I’m not being fed,” he replies, “I’m perfectly happy to spoon feed my one-year-old. But if I’m still spoon-feeding him when he’s five, we’ve got a problem. Here’s a fork. Feed yourself.”